It's strange, the thought of being where I am right now has stirred a deep longing and ache I didn't even know I had...
For so long I couldn't picture getting to this part of my life - and I didn't realise it comes with another layer of exposure to what I believed to be true.
Theres also a primal ache of getting here without her. I would assume she would have been so excited to see me in my dress, she showed excitement to the things that mattered and it breaks my heart a little that this chapter and seasons yet to come will all be bittersweet.
There has also been a slow emotional undoing and becoming happening in the shadows, it's been unfolding for quite some time. I held so many fears - stories full of doubt shaped by the journey my mum had lived, the life I've lived without her and the journey both my mum and dad had together as husband and wife, and the family history that connects us.
Hello generational Trauma!
The engagement season had made me look at things a little deeper - Emotional safety, and what it means to be in a covenant, with Christ in the middle. Despite those stories inherited and created by experience. There were times I'd catch myself creating them and bracing for things that haven't happened, Every doubt was laced with what ifs; every story I created was carefully thought out enough to find a solution to them. Ok I mean there's a gift in there, but lets face it we all know we cant find a solution to grief, and sometimes we miss what's happening when your in the middle of it all. Well for me anyway..
It sucks that I will never get to hear my mum's story, her life experiences and that unsolicited advice that we all hear that gets passed down generations. I do remember some funny things she would share though, and I love hearing everyone's version of her through the relationship they had. Some would call her kind some would call her a bitch and I giggle every time, But my favourite is how everyone that knew her said she adored and loved her children fiercely.
The gap has given me a wild imagination and mystery. It's also crazy how much our mind can create a story without the full picture and it's also so powerful and cool to create a new blueprint, when partnered with the heart and the body.
I found my alone time with God was where He turned my doubts into spiritual growth, He met me in the middle - the ache is primal and learning to live with it has its mystery, I have my days where my faith is tested but I call it a dance now, and Lord knows how much I like a slow dance, slow enough to bring me into stillness to fill in the missing pieces.
This is where I am right now. Still learning Mid- becoming, walking into a new chapter, and I'm so excited to see my love at the altar.
A Veil, an ache. And a sacred yes.
Stephanie Milisa
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